Fear of visibility has been a frenemy for the past two years, perhaps longer. It has kept me safe and it has held me back. With my permission. Anyone who has known me any length of time would be surprised to hear me say that. People who have worked with me in my previous professional incarnation would be shocked. The idea of me being afraid to be seen doesn’t align with the Mimi that they know and saw in action.
As an employee I have no issue whatsoever with being seen. That’s because I am representing someone else and their business. The interaction is not about me and my products, services, offerings, etc. Working in management at major department stores and managing various privately owned beauty stores meant that I regularly interacted with customers, account executives as well as their bosses and often enough, celebrities. It was easy for me to be outgoing and boldly introduce myself, “Hi! I’m Mimi. Blah blah blah….” Negotiating with sales reps, regional managers, and sometimes V.P.’s came easily to me. I may not have always liked it but I never shied away from it. Whatever needed to be done would get done.
But when it comes to MY BUSINESS? Different story! If you find yourself wondering, “Your business? What business?” Don’t feel bad. I get it! LOLOL That is where this fear of visibility nonsense comes in. For the past two years I have been working on my own business. You may be familiar with my AlcheMysticAmulets as I do post my jewelry fairly regularly. What I have been hiding is AlcheMystic Reiki. The fear of being seen or noticed has had a more profound effect on my energy healing services. It hasn’t affected the jewelry side nearly as much. It’s easy for me to hide behind the crystals. I might make the crystal wearable, but the focus is truly on the crystal, not me. Promoting my own work involves a layer of vulnerability that does not exist for me when I promote or do the work of others.
Several months ago I found myself pondering why I did not want to be noticed. What went wrong in my childhood? Was it something my mom said or did? My father? Nothing came up that solidly connected. I used a shadow work technique called Deepest Fear Inventory (from the book Existential Kink by Carolyn Elliot.) Later in the day, as I drove to pick up my lunch, a name came to me. Gina Naranjo! She was the root cause of this ridiculous fear of visibility. She was why I felt it was unsafe for me to be noticed for who I am and my talents. Why? Because she noticed me in either kindergarten or first grade and proceeded to pick on me or bully me all the way through high school. She even had something to say on graduation day. There was a brief phase in 11th grade where she tried to be my friend but that is a different topic to be explored in a different post. Being noticed by this person I did not know resulted in 12 or 13 years of discomfort. Perhaps the most important 12 or 13 years of a person’s life. Impressionable beings that we are.
So, there I was, driving my car, when this realization hit me. I started laughing and said, “Gina Naranjo can eat a bag of d***s!” This is who I had been giving my power to. Did this realization magically fix the issue overnight? Not yet. However, it is a great start and I have made progress. Knowing the origin shows me where healing can be directed.
Are you holding back in any areas of your life? Is there someone that you are giving your power to? If you feel like sharing, I would love to listen. Leave me a comment or send a DM if you prefer.
